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The Bitch Zone
Thought bubbles by the terminally bitchy...
Just spent 2 days in hospital while they tried to figure out why I have no feeling in my lower extremities. Luckily it's not the worst case sceneario, but it's not the best case scenario either--I'm starting yet more radiation on yet another area (this time lower sacrum, which is below the spine). My team of oncs, radiation onc's and main doctor were absolutely on the ball and made me feel wonderful.

The hospital itself? *shudder*. You really have to advocate for yourself--I don't know how many 'procedures' they wanted to try on me, but with my main doctor telling them to go take a flying leap, I managed to get out of there with no additional infections and intact. At one point, they thought I had a UTI and wanted to insert a Foley catheter--um, hello, let's introduce a new area of infection in a cancer patient with lowered immunity! Like I said, my main doctor really wanted to slap them at times. She's an absolute doll and even took the time to prepare a small floral arrangement the day I left. I could imagine her poor hubby being ordered about her garden earlier that morning after she admitted she enlisted his aid in getting at some of the blooms.

I finally decided that the most important people in my life are me and my daughter and everyone else can quite frankly, go screw themselves. I have to concentrate on us, and us alone at this time and so I'm probably going to be ditching quite a few matters I entered that I probably shouldn't have--I just trusted others too much and let myself get carried along in excitement I should have used to further my health concerns.

So, I'll be a lesser presence, and I might not bother to post much since there doesn't seem to be all that much interest in what I post any way considering the response.

Whoever gives a fuck, thanks. Whoever doesn't, then why did you bother 'friending' me I really have to wonder.

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Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

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Holy shit! I used to collect CD's like crack. Okay, perhaps not that badly. But I've got huge eclectic piles of sounds, people. Whatever floated my boat at the moment and helped me to write--or at least stay awake while working through either hobby shit or 'real' writing.

I mean, I've got everything from the Indigo Girls, Travis Tritt (!!!) to Andrea Bocelli and everyone single one of them's been loved/played to death. I ignored the treacherous, piles throughout the house. Bedroom, car, office workspace, floor space, expanding shelves and kept on collecting whatever hit my fancy and got me through the day.

And then the advent of the Ipod. Really, I said to myself--what a silly contraption. How dare they think this little box can contain me, my vast cornicopia of fidelfic pleasures?

And then I got a free Ipod shuffle at the Christmas party for the Church of Satan (oh, sorry...former employer) and tossed it to my daughter, who, not tech savvy tossed it right back as she had no clue and I was gonna have nothing to do with The Apple anything. She'd found love already in music swapping and was collecting her own serious group of bootleg (shhhhh) CD's. Her mama is more honest and just kept blowing moola at the store! *g*

So anyway one day we're goofing around with the Shuffle thing and I actually got onto Itunes, fired it up and figured out how to use the thing and also how to transfer music from her CD collection to the Mp3. A new addiction was born. Hmmm....maybe I'll try one of these things ya know--with my back and hip issues, carrying less has got to count for something. Of course, I'm a cheap ass, and there were so many different versions that I actually got something that held the same as the Shuffle, had a nice little DISPLAY (are you listening yet Apple-heads?) and was easy to carry and a hell of a lot less expensive with a warranty, mind you.

I be hooked. The results are that almost ALL of my vast library of sound is downloaded and I can pick/choose what I want to listen to that day/moment/hour. So now that everything's downloaded and secure, what do I need the clutter of CD's for? So, I bit the bullet, collected the 'definite go aways' from those I'm still sorting/downloading (I told you my collection was vast, no?) and stuff that I just want to keep for sentimental value--a lot of classic Tracy Chapman, Ani DiFranco, Metallica, that sort of thing and took them off to the HOG, otherwise known in these parts as the The House of Guitars, where every rock star in town HAS to stop in and see Armand, the owner who's been in business since 1969, has the autographs and pictures to prove it (I mean, the Ramones, The Clash The Stones, the Who graced these floors) and who I'd heard gave pretty good money on CD's in good shape.

The man don't lie--I walked out of there with grocery money. Lots of grocery money. We're having steak this week grocery money.

I gotta finished this cataloging, but fast! LOL!

PS: Now, if I could just stop dozing off at odd moments and feel better then life would be PERFECT!!!!

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Current Mood: chipper chipper
Current Music: 'Sweet Dreams', Marilyn Manson

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What a great F'ing day! We had Mommy/Daughter day. As usual, I couldn't sleep last night so I ended up cateloguing my entire library and readying things for sale on Ebay, the library and for those I've designated to certain people. I have too many books...I started at 3:00am and stopped only when a set of CD's fell over and woke up the kid at 10:00am! By then I'd had about 4 LARGE mocha hazelnut coffee's and was buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzed out of my head which she found profoundly funny, which I then found funny, which ended up with us sitting on the floor laughing for absolutely no reason.

After a visit from the cat's former foster mom, who dropped off much needed meds for her, we decided we needed to get out of the house. I left the unfinished mess behind and after we showered, we just got the hell out and drove.

I found a place to print my new black/white series. It came out pretty well. I've been tinkering with b/w digital photography and this one is tough to title...it's a study in black and white and negative--two photo's meant to be shown together. Then I've got one of a river gorge behind a fence entitled 'Caged Beauty'. Ironically enough, the Legal Aid Society here in Rochester uses art created by attorney's, paralegals and other legal professionals, stages silent auctions and generates funds that way. I've promised to let them use the Iris series as soon as I can name it...of course, I need to get my ass in gear and finish matting and framing the suckers too! *g* I have a couple of finished color florals I can submit as well. Choices, choices...I'm almost too fond of the Iris' to let it go. LOL

Anyway, we puttered around one of the suburban strip malls all afternoon, trying on clothing and goofing around in general. We had a late, long lunch and then my daughter decided to treat me to a manicure of all things! I was thrilled and quite proud of her. It was kind of surreal though--she was getting her nails done...I mean that full set stuff I hate and of course my manicure didn't take that long, so I was relaxing away, eyes closed, waiting for her when...oh, the horror...I was lip-raped! I kid you not. Apparently, Rhea noticed I needed my eyebrows done (they don't grow in thick any longer, but they do grow in) and asked the woman to treat me to an eyebrow wax. Suddenly there's this crazy Chinese woman attacking my LIP with wax and stripping me hairless, no warning at all. Yeach! I felt so...violated! *g*

Eventually she got to the requested eyebrow wax and we were off to do shopping for the week. For some reason, I noticed a speck of spare wax that they'd missed when they'd done Rhea's brows and, as I was trying to peel it off, we found this profoundly funny and broke down in the middle of the isle like a bunch of complete loons. I mean, I was laughing so hard for no reason I almost peed myself. We've not had such stupid fun in ages. How many moms are this freaking lucky that they can spend a great silly ass day with their daughter. Not many.

Talk about having reasons to live! I love my daughter!

Current Mood: giggly giggly
Current Music: Graham Norton theme

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It's Friday and at work, the week seemed to breeze by because we were so busy. A possible new client was visiting on Thursday, and like most offices, we had to look like we were hard working geniuses who apparently don't have anything that needs filing, have spotless desks and all look like we stepped out of the pages of a 'Dress for Success' manual. *g* For me it's not hard. I mean, I can't stand folks who can't seem to at least dress in decent office casual. For a law firm however, they're incredibly lax. Most of these kids (and they're mostly in their early 20's so my old ass can get away with the term) have no clue. Flip-flops when we've got a client visiting? Is there a problem with neatly pressed pants and shirts--heck they even make T-shirts that look nice and office-ready--Target is full of them and for a good price. Nothing wrong with Kmart either. Decent clothing doesn't take lots of money--you just have to care what you look like when you walk out of the house. For me, dressing well to face the day is like putting on my armor and allows me, even when sick as a dog, to face the world.

I'm still playing the waiting game regarding treatment--not sure why I haven't been scheduled for radiation treatments. Monday I'll call the Cancer Center and talk to the social worker. Rather than stressing, which is my usual mode, I'll use her to advocate. I've finally realized it's time for some changes and actually doing those things that relieve the anxiety and stress and upset and it feels...great. I met with a Legal Aid attorney to work out a will and such and figure out power of attorney so that the kid is covered when I die with regard to my portion of the house and what few assets I've squirreled away for her. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it was going to be and again, after 2 years of avoidance, it felt...great.

I finally broke down and found someone trustworthy to help with me some hobby stuff. I'd been holding off--not because I didn't trust this person to help, but because I ...you know, it's hard to describe...I've no clue. Finally crying 'HELP' felt wonderfully freeing. Getting the aid felt even better and it's a major load off my mind. Again, just asking felt...great. Sometimes you have to realize when your independence is hurting you and just..ask.

Nothing is perfect, and nothing has changed really but in the last day or so I just feel as if no matter what, it's going to be okay and nothing and no one is going to get to me.

Current Mood: relaxed relaxed

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do you know what all your passwords are?

I swear, in my younger and tumor free years this never used to be a problem. I will admit to a great laziness. Most of my passwords were one password. *hangs head*. I figured why make life difficult really?

But then things happened:

ISP/Internet access
Website access for no less than 3 pbem's at one time (two of which were mine, one of which wasn't--all with different passwords)
Domain purchases
Professional hosting access
Websites/clubs smart enough to have restricted access for members (go figure! LOL)
Live Journal (2 accounts)
Pay Pal
Membership to Sim Associations
MySpace (which is annoying and not even used much of the time, but which requires yet ANOTHER password)
Online banking/bill paying

And those are just for online--and I'm sure I've left stuff off.

Then there's work, where to start, I have no control over user names/passwords as most are assigned and changed every 90 days:

Keypad access to get into office
Network pass to access computer network
Password to access work email via the web if needed
Password access to credit bureau reports, County Clerks throughout New York, skip tracing websites, inmate information (I kid you not...), bankruptcy courts...

Starting to see the problem? If you don't think about it, you don't worry about it unless it's 1:45 am and you need to respond to something or give someone access to something to help you out.

And you can't remember.


Current Mood: blah blah

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Sleep can be like that. I know I took the Ativan, the Ativan just didn't take me. I got a whole 3 hours of sleep and here I am, up again.

A lot of it is frustration at waiting around to start treatment again. I got fitted for a new mask for radiation on the tumors they found lurking in my brain (same spot in the cerebellum). This time it will be localized radiation and not whole brain so I get to keep most of my hair.

After that, I have to start chemo for the numerous liver tumors they found. You can't do chemo and radiation at the same time and since they recommended radiation first, I'm in a holding pattern which hasn't happened before. Usually they set you right up and start almost immediately but this time has been different. I mean, it's been about 5 days and it leaves me feeling desperate and as if I'm just sitting here with little time bombs ticking in my body going untreated.

Funny how 2 am used to be a comforting time back when I was writing so frequently. Now it's just dark outside and I feel alone and isolated from everything and everyone. People I trusted seem to have deserted me and the things I always wanted (a long life and a writing career) have gone away. When you're ill, you're constantly scared and you try to grasp on to some things so desperately, while others are so easy to let go.

i guess I'm just scared right now and wish that there was someone out there to talk to right now to make me laugh, or at least to help keep the dark at bay. But in the end, I suppose like death, you have to face fear alone as well.

I just wish it was different, so different.
You ever get the feeling that others' projects with other buddies are so much more important than your own? It's the feeling I've been getting lately. Almost as if I've been snubbed or ditched for the 'funner' group of folks.

Oh well, I've my health to concentrate on now and if folks wish to be that way and ignore what they've promised to help with, then more power to them. I'm just disappointed but I should have seen it coming and it's my fault I didn't.

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

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When I was a young kid, desperate for other worlds to disappear into because they seemed so much better than my own, 'A Wrinkle In Time' gave me one of those worlds.

Madeleine L’Engle, one of my fave childhood authors has died. She was 88 years old. Funny how it seems like only yesterday that her books allowed my escape from reality and fueled my imagination.

I've had some bad news on the cancer front as well...my liver enzymes are up again and I've been having headaches so I'm going to need all day Monday to be poked and prodded.

Current Mood: sad sad

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Since it's apparent that Turnpike Gates is never going to get off the ground and there have been no updates, I've started shopping 'Quietus' around again for rejection. I wish I could say I'm joking, but it's already been rejected twice since August. Frankly, I'm wiping it off my hard drive and forgetting about it and every other story that apparently folks who aren't editors just LOOOOOOOOOOVE but which apparently editors think are steaming piles of shit.

Maybe a clean slate might work, maybe it will just confirm that I really do suck the big one. Who knows--I'm just tired of trying lately and it's damaging my calm considerably. I mean, it's been THREE fucking years since I've gotten a story published. I'm surprised it's taken me this long to get the message--I suck.

Off to go free up some hard drive space.

Current Mood: numb numb

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...never stay their asses still when you want to take a picture of them. I've been trying to get this cat to stand still long enough to get a decent picture of her! *g*

Anyway, my new baby...grrrr

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