Sleep can be like that. I know I took the Ativan, the Ativan just didn't take me. I got a whole 3 hours of sleep and here I am, up again.
A lot of it is frustration at waiting around to start treatment again. I got fitted for a new mask for radiation on the tumors they found lurking in my brain (same spot in the cerebellum). This time it will be localized radiation and not whole brain so I get to keep most of my hair.
After that, I have to start chemo for the numerous liver tumors they found. You can't do chemo and radiation at the same time and since they recommended radiation first, I'm in a holding pattern which hasn't happened before. Usually they set you right up and start almost immediately but this time has been different. I mean, it's been about 5 days and it leaves me feeling desperate and as if I'm just sitting here with little time bombs ticking in my body going untreated.
Funny how 2 am used to be a comforting time back when I was writing so frequently. Now it's just dark outside and I feel alone and isolated from everything and everyone. People I trusted seem to have deserted me and the things I always wanted (a long life and a writing career) have gone away. When you're ill, you're constantly scared and you try to grasp on to some things so desperately, while others are so easy to let go.
i guess I'm just scared right now and wish that there was someone out there to talk to right now to make me laugh, or at least to help keep the dark at bay. But in the end, I suppose like death, you have to face fear alone as well.
I just wish it was different, so different.